A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Fannies
by The Real Sidekick
Summary: With the 2013 Fannie Awards going on, two people didn't realize they needed to be there for the presentation. Special thanks to the KP Fannie Awards community.


_Siiiiip_

Coffee colored eyes darted up at the noise but just as quickly, the noise stopped.

Shaking her head, the woman's eyes returned to the menu before her.

_Siiiiiip_

Her eyes snapped up again, annoyance written across her features.

Just as quickly, the noise stopped.

She took a deep breath and returned to the-

_Siiiiiip_

Zita Flores looked up as she set her menu down in frustration, "Do you have to do that every time you take a drink? We're at a nice restaurant," she looked around at the other tables before leveling her gaze at the man sitting across from her, "People are staring."

The Real Sidekick looked up from his menu to the glass of liquid in his hand with a look of sophistication and decorum written across his face, "Zita, you of all people should know how important it is to savor the great things in-"

"You're drinking Mountain Dew out of a wine glass," she interrupted as she turned back to the menu, "So I think you forfeited the entire point of trying to look sophisticated with that drink."

Sidekick grumbled something into his drink and took another loud sip in protest but stopped as Zita kicked him swiftly in the shin.

Before The Real Sidekick could retaliate, their waiter approached them, "Good evening sir and madam," he said with a thick French accent, "I see you both 'ave been offered drinks for zee evening," a knowing look was exchanged between Sidekick and the waiter while a look of defeat crossed Zita's face as she tried to figure out how to sink into her chair even further.

Like a magician, the lanky waiter produced a notebook and pencil seemingly from thin air and twirled the pencil around for a moment before he turned his attention to Zita, "Now vhat vould zee lovely madam care for zhis evening?"

Zita looked up from her menu and took a deep breath, "The roast chicken with a side order of salad."

Sidekick looked up from the menu as the waiter finished writing Zita's order, "And I'll have steak and mashed potatoes please. Medium rare on the steak."

The waiter was silent for a moment before collecting their menus and vanishing into the mess of crowded tables.

"So…" Sidekick began but he stopped talking as soon as Zita looked away.

"Yeah?" she asked as she turned back to the author.

A pregnant pause only punctuated by the string quartet playing quietly in the corner.

He shook his head and played with his fork as he broke eye contact, "Nothing."

She nodded and turned to her own utensils and started to arrange them in order and-

_Siiiiip_

She shot him a look of annoyance but Sidekick just shrugged it off.

Another excruciatingly long pause filled only with the string quartet.

Zita looked up, "Sidekick..."

The author looked up expectantly, "Yeah?"

She paused as she struggled to place her words, "...What happened to us?"

He blinked in surprise, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we used to host a chapter at the Fannie Awards and now we're sitting here as the awards are going on across town," she lifted her wine glass and gestured it in annoyance, "Doesn't that bother you?"

Sidekick turned to his Mountain Dew, "Times change Zita," he shrugged as his finger traced the edges of the glass, "The awards have been hosted by new people every year ever since Zaratan stepped down it's a new format every year."

"But shouldn't we be there?" she protested, "Shouldn't the Authors have a chance to give back?"

"And give what back?" Sidekick argued, "The show's been off the air for over six years now," he took a deep breath, "Fanfiction has moved on to other shows and we've been put by the wayside."

A somber pause.

"We're lucky there are people willing to step in and even give us an awards show," Sidekick saw Zita getting ready to say something and grasped her hand from across the table, "And although the show may have lost her luster," a cheeky grin, "She still hasn't lost a step."

Zita smiled and squeezed his hand.

"Excuse me Comrade Sidekick," a Russian voice broke in and they both starred up in shock.

Standing next to their table was a small mountain. In fact, The Real Sidekick was pretty sure he heard the bleating of a mountain goat from up around the nose. The colossal Russian easily weighed over three hundred pounds and without a hint of fat on this man, Sidekick guessed he could easily hoist a car over his head without breaking a sweat. In other words-

"Are you the Hulk?" Sidekick asked as he interrupted the narrator's monologue.

"Nyet," the mountain rumbled before asking again, "You are The Real Sidekick?"

"Maybe?" Sidekick replied in a nervous tone.

"You both vill come vith us," the Russian said in his deep voice.

"Us?" Zita asked.

"Pardon my friend," a distinctly softer tone interrupted, "He is most direct. Aren't you Victor?"

Victor 'The Mountain' just growled in response.

They both turned from The Mountain to a tall fair skinned man with abnormally long fingers that he cracked incessantly. His black hair contrasted against his pale skin almost painfully and the cold blue eyes in conjunction with a tightly drawn mouth gave off a sense of inhumanness. He idly fingered the sleeve of his trench coat as he took command of the situation.

"And you are?" The Real Sidekick asked as he tried to figure out a way to escape that didn't involve leaving Zita with the Russians.

"My name, Mr. Sidekick, is Sergei Davidov, ex-KGB," the inhuman man explained with a trace of annoyance in his voice, "And you two are coming with us."

"And if we don't?" Zita asked nervously.

**CRACKCRACKCRACK**

The Real Sidekick cringed at the sound of the gunshots but quickly realized the walking mountain had just cracked his knuckles.

"Heya Z?" he whispered to her as he leaned over the table, his hand still grasping hers.

"Yeah?" she whispered back.

"I think we better go with them," he tried to sound tough but his voice cracked in terror half way through his comment and she shook her head.

"I should've gone with Sentinel," she muttered angrily as she rose from the table, "I'm pretty sure he doesn't have to worry about Russians at the Fannies."

As The Real Sidekick and Zita passed the bathrooms, they walked past an older looking janitor in a faded red and white jumpsuit. The Russians paid him no notice but Sidekick quietly bumped into the old man and tried to mouth _help me_ before he was pushed along by the Mountain.

"Move writer," he rumbled from deep inside his chest.

All this was not lost on the Janitor who quietly sidestepped for the group and decided now would be a good time to take his fifteen minute break.

* * *

The group was passing the kitchens when a deep and gravelly voice called out to the fair skinned man, "Sir?"

The man stopped and turned to the Janitor calling out to him, "Yes? Vat is it?"

The Janitor took a deep breath and held up a set of keys, "I believe you dropped these back by that table."

Sergei shook his head as he examined the keys in the Janitor's fist, "No, my keys are-"

He didn't finish as the Janitor's fist snaked out and caught the lanky Russian square in the nose, instantly collapsing the Russian like a house of cards.

The Mountain turned around and took a mad swing at the Janitor who deflected the boulder sized fist with his forearm that looked puny by comparison.

The Mountain countered by grabbing the Janitor by the front of his jumpsuit and hoisted him from the floor before he tossed him into the crowded serving area where he tumbled through the tables and patrons that all screamed at the disturbance. Instantly the dining hall was transformed into a mad house as the crowds ran for the door to flee the fight at the restaurant.

The Mountain looked around for his leader and seeing that he was still unconscious grunted in mild annoyance.

He picked up the man in black and propped him in a seated position against the wall and tugged The Real Sidekick over to his side.

"Stay here or..." The Mountain reached for an empty table and broke a leg off it without any effort, "I'll do this to your leg."

Sidekick nodded hurriedly, "We'll be here."

The Mountain growled in agreement as he went off after the Janitor.

"We're not staying are we?" Zita asked in disbelief as she fought back terror.

"I'm gone as soon as he looks away," he agreed and the two quickly ducked out towards the Kitchen.

* * *

The Janitor shook his head to clear the stars that clouded his vision.

"Honestly," he groaned, "Why can't an assignment ever be easy?" he wiped bread crumbs from his shirt, "Like a stake out? Everyone else in TSCSO gets to do it," he dabbed at some mustard on his cheek with an unused napkin, "But they always give Joe the ones that will evolve into a full out brawl."

He didn't have time to finish his complaining as he heard something large whistling through the air towards him. Joe rolled to his side as the table leg smashed the space he had just occupied.

The table leg came crashing down but Joe rolled out of the way again as it impacted on the table and sent the broken remains of plates flying into the air.

Rolling over, Joe pinned the table leg with his body and kicked the Mountain away with his free leg.

The Mountain took a step backwards as the Janitor's kick knocked the wind out of his lungs for several seconds. Taking full advantage of this, Joe launched himself from the table at the Russian and somehow succeeded in grappling Victor to the floor.

The two tumbled to the floor in a mess of limbs and scattered food that flew into the air as each man struggled to gain control during the fight. For several long seconds, they rolled around on the floor exchanging punches and head butts in a desperate attempt to gain the upper hand.

Joe may have had the experience to win the fight, but it was no use as the Russian simply stood to his feet before picking Joe up by the collar and held him aloft where he slowly cut off the Janitor's air supply.

"I recognize you," the Mountain rumbled, "You 'ave been tracking us since ve entered zis country." He slammed Joe down on a table and he heard Joe grunt in response.

"Montreal actually," Joe corrected as his hands danced across the table in search of a weapon.

The Mountain smiled, "Of course," his hands tightened around Joe's neck, "Now who do you vork for? CIA? MI6?" a pause, "Global Justice?"

Joe was almost out of air but his hands finally found the weapon he was seeking. With a loud cry he cracked the bottle of wine over the enormous Russian's head and the Mountain collapsed in a comical manner, "Top Secret Canadian Spy Organization," Joe brushed crumbs off his jumpsuit before adding, "Eh."

With a tiny smile on his face he looked around the empty restaurant and sprinted off after The Real Sidekick and Zita.

* * *

Dr. Elizabeth Director was bored, while she knew they were about halfway done with the Fannies, she wasn't willing to put anything past the rest of the presenters. The awards show had a nasty habit of blowing up in a fiery explosion at least three times every year and this year Betty was ready for the explosion.

She had her agents armed with enough fire extinguishers to stop a lava flow in its tracks and combined with the additional firepower, Betty felt more than confident that this year would go-

_Brrtz Brrtz_

She suppressed the groan in her throat and checked the number on her cell phone before answering the phone.

"Go," she ordered.

"Ve, 'ave a problem," a voice explained over the phone.

Betty excused herself from her table and walked over to where no one could hear her conversation. Assured that no one could hear her conversation, Betty held the phone to her ear, "What is it Sergei?"

"Sidekick," came the one word reply.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Zita said as she followed The Real Sidekick through a still functioning and fast paced kitchen. Word of the scuffle hadn't reached back here yet and the cooks were still preparing orders for a now empty restaurant.

"This should lead us to the parking garage," The Real Sidekick shouted back as he led the way through the confused and surprised chefs.

They heard the doors to the kitchen burst open as Sergei and Victor followed the two escapees with guns drawn.

"THIS WAY!" Sidekick shouted as he grabbed Zita's hand and pulled her past a Chef stirring something in a pan that flared up in a fire.

There was a loud clattering as Sergei and Victor knocked over a counter full of pots and pans that crashed into the ground with a noise that nearly deafened everyone in the Kitchen.

With his hand still firmly grasping Zita's, The Real Sidekick pulled the Hispanic woman through the back of the restaurant and into the alley beyond.

"Where are we going?" Zita shouted as the sound of the two Russians in the Kitchen grew louder.

Sidekick looked around in confusion as he searched for his car but before he could move he felt Zita tug at his arm and point to a parking garage, "OVER THERE!"

Sidekick nodded and the two sprinted towards the garage that hopefully housed his car.

* * *

Sergei and Victor sprinted out of the noisy Kitchen and into the alley beyond.

Sergei looked around in anger as he felt his nose throbbing in pain. Odds were that the Canadian Spy had broken his nose but he didn't have time to worry about it as he had a mission to do and he would complete it.

"Vhere are they?" he asked no one in particular.

A beefy arm shot past him and following the hand, Sergei was rewarded with the sight of The Real Sidekick and Zita disappearing into the parking garage.

"Vell done Victor," Sergei said offhandedly to the mountain of a man. He brought the cuff of his sleeve to his mouth and speaking into the microphone embedded in the fabric started barking orders in Russian, "They're in the parking garage. All units close in and take zem both in. Betty has something special planned for zem."

* * *

"Are you sure you parked on this level?" Zita asked angrily.

"I'm sure of-" Sidekick began before Zita cut him off.

"You said that four floors ago," she interrupted.

"I'm fairly certain that we are parked- aha!" The Real Sidekick broke out into a smile as he bumped into the bumper of his car, "See I parked right here."

"Amazing," Zita commented sarcastically, "We only had to go through three wrong floors for you to actually be right."

"Remember what I said about nice words Zita?" Sidekick called back as he fished for his keys.

With a cry of delight, he pulled out a set of keys from his pocket, unlocked the car doors and they both clambered inside the blue Mazda.

"I thought you totaled this car the last year we presented," Zita said hesitantly as she fastened her seat belt.

Sidekick clicked his seat belt into place before nodding, "I've spent the last few years rebuilding the girl and hopefully she'll get us out of here."

With that he stuck his keys into the ignition and turned the key.

Nothing.

"She'll get us out of here?" Zita repeated back his words in sarcasm.

Sidekick looked over at Zita as he pumped the gas pedal and turned the key, "Your sarcasm is not helping. It hurts me," with his free hand The Real Sidekick pointed at his heart, "Right here."

"I don't really care seeing as we're being chased by Russians," she countered.

"Russians are fine," Sidekick turned back to starting his car, "Jack Bauer fought Russians," he turned the key again but the car still refused to start, "Indiana Jones fought Russians," he turned the key again, "Even James Bond fought Russians."

"Yeah, but there's just one problem," Zita said, "Those are all fictional characters."

He turned the keys again, "And you are?"

Zita conceded, "All right, you've got me there."

The car refused to start and The Real Sidekick slammed the steering wheel in response, "C'MON!"

_VR-_**OOM **

Sidekick's Mazda roared to life and Sidekick instantly shifted to drive and rocketed through the parking garage in a mad effort to get out of there.

"Where are we going?" Zita asked as she grabbed onto the door handle for support.

"The Fannies," Sidekick explained as he cranked the wheel to the right around a curve, "It's the safest place in town tonight."

* * *

The blue Mazda was nearing the exit when a black SUV blocked the entrance and four armed men hopped out of the car with pistols drawn.

_SCREECH_

Sidekick slammed on the brakes and slid to a stop and let his car idle as he struggled to figure out his next move as a familiar person stepped in front of the car.

"_Step out of zhe car, please,"_ Sergei said over a megaphone as he stood calmly by Sidekick's car.

"Sidekick," Zita said, all sarcasm gone instead replaced by nervousness, "Do you have a plan?"

A slight head nod was all she got from Sidekick as he mashed on the accelerator and shifted into drive.

Sergei saw the car jolt forward and he dove to the side mere seconds before the car passed him. He felt the wind as the car flew past him and he pulled out his pistol and spun around to fire his gun at the retreating Mazda.

He lined up the shot but a hand gripped his wrist and pulled the gun away and the gun discharged harmlessly as Joe the Janitor grabbed the Russian and threw him to the ground.

"Didn't I knock you out already?" he asked with the hint of a smile on his lips.

Sergei growled and launched himself from the ground and threw a right hook at Joe.

The hook caught Joe in the jaw and the spy took a step back as Sergei launched a series of lightning quick punches at the spy.

"Get the writer!" he shouted as he punched Joe hard in the Kidneys, "Victor and I will take care of this."

Sergei didn't wait for a confirming word from his men as kicked Joe in the side and knocked the spy back a few steps.

Joe brought up his arms in defense and blocked the Russian's next punch and countered with a punch of his own. The blow caught the Russian square in the chest and for a moment Sergei felt the air leave his lungs.

Seeing this, Joe threw another punch that landed on the Russian's jaw and Sergei spun around as he fell to the ground. Joe ran to the fallen Russian to deliver a finishing blow but Sergei kicked at Joe, catching him in the stomach and with a brutal punch, knocked Joe backwards from the blow.

Before Joe could regain his footing, two enormous arms enclosed the Canadian's midsection and hoisted the agent skyward.

Joe struggled against the grip but found he was caught in an enormous vise that refused to release him.

"Now," Sergei said as he dabbed at his now bloody lip, "Ve are going to 'ave a talk."

* * *

"Hang on," Sidekick shouted as the car rocketed out of the parking garage and just barely missed the black SUV and flew into the late night traffic of Middleton. In his rear view mirror, The Real Sidekick saw Joe the Janitor take on several Russians before a large semi truck blocked his view.

He turned to Zita with a smile on his lips.

She turned back and smiled but just as quickly as it appeared, the smile was gone. He turned back just in time to-

**SLAM**

A large, black SUV smashed into the driver's side door and the blue Mazda was thrown into the next lane as the driver fought to gain control of his car.

The blue vehicle spun in traffic but the tires finally found traction in the slick pavement and Sidekick spun the car around and shifted into gear.

"HANG ON!" he shouted as his precious car zipped away into oncoming traffic.

* * *

Slipgate was in a blind panic. Sidekick was supposed to have shown up for check in hours ago but no one had seen or even heard of him. Come to think of it, Zita was a no show either.

Trying desperately to stall the murmurs backstage about past Fannie Award shows and how Sidekick had been late just like the year before it…

_I think I'm seeing a pattern in this presenter, _Slipgate thought angrily as he walked out onstage and his mood shifted from anger to a false joy.

"And welcome back," Slipgate smiled to the room full of authors and characters, "I know you're all expecting the Best Action/Adventure Award but we're having some technical difficulties backstage so-"

"Sidekick and Zita are missing again," a voice shouted out from the audience. It was more of a statement than a question, "Aren't they?"

Slipgate stared out into the audience and shook his head as he held up his hands in a pleading gesture, "While it is true we don't know where The Real Sidekick and Zita Flores are-" he was cut off as a loud murmur rose from the crowd, "We're looking for them and until we find them-"

_PSST_

Slipgate looked offstage where Whitem stood holding his cell phone in his hand and he pointed to the phone while mouthing _Sidekick._

Slipgate nodded and turned back to the audience, "We'll find Zita and Sidekick soon enough so until we do…" he trailed off and shrugged, "…Get to know your table guests? I don't know."

With those words of encouragement, Slipgate sprinted off stage and took the waiting cell phone from Whitem's outstretched hand.

KittyPuppy watched him go and leaned over to Neo the Saiyan Angel, "This makes three years Sidekick has been late for his presentation, right?"

Pojko nodded, "Sidekick is consistent, I'll give him that."

Kgs-wy was about to reply but was cut off by a very loud, "YOU'RE WHAT?!" from behind the stage.

Pojko laughed and took a sip of his water, "I'd say he's very consistent."

* * *

"TURN LEFT!" Zita shouted as they rocketed through the city streets.

Sidekick cranked the steering wheel to the left and just barely missed a semi truck travelling in the opposite direction. In his rear view mirror Sidekick saw the truck wobble as the driver struggled to keep his rig from tipping but ultimately failed as the truck's trailer tipped onto its side and flipped the entire rig onto its side.

The truck slid for several hundred feet, shooting sparks in every direction as the metal grated against the asphalt before finally grinding to a halt. When the truck had ceased to slide, the driver threw open his door and stumbled away from the wreck with a string of curses on his lips and a raised fist at The Real Sidekick's passing.

**SLAM**

The black SUV slammed back into Sidekick's car and he struggled to maintain control of his car even as the SUV pushed them deeper into oncoming traffic.

Sidekick struggled with the wheel that refused to turn as he wedged his cell phone between his ear and his shoulder as he shouted to Slipgate, "Yeah, we're being chased by Russian. That's why we're late."

"_YOU'RE WHAT?!"_ came the reply, instantly causing Sidekick to cringe at the voice on the other end.

**SLAM**

A second SUV slammed into Zita's side and blew out her window, instantly a cold wind whipped through the car that instantly raised the volume as the cars raced through oncoming traffic.

Sidekick slammed on the brakes and the sound of metal scraping echoed in the car as Sidekick's car broke free and he ducked left behind the first SUV. Inside he saw several silhouettes scrambling to get in a better position for Sidekick's car.

The driver slammed on his brakes and Sidekick zipped around the slow SUV and as he passed the larger vehicle he zipped into a lane of traffic heading in the right direction.

The Russian driver wasn't fast enough to cut sidekick off and instead pulled up next to Sidekick and forced his way into their lane by slamming into Zita's side of the car.

**SLAM**

Zita shot the drivers of both cars dirty looks as she picked up Sidekick's phone and spoke rapidly into it, "'Gate? We're being chased by Russians…yes I know, Russians…I don't know why? Probably because it's too soon to use terrorists as comical villains and Nazis aren't really a credible threat anymore. Therefore we're going with Russians as the villains…oh…" she was silent for a moment as the SUV pulled away from Sidekick's car, "Now I understand, "she shook her head, "No, we have no idea why they're after us."

**SLAM**

The SUV slammed back into Sidekick's car and the occupants jumped in response, "'Gate, I'm gonna have to go," Zita said as she hung up on the presenter and started rummaging through the car's interior, "Sidekick do you have anything in here we can use?"

"Tire iron under your seat," Sidekick shouted as he cranked the steering wheel to the left and jetted down a tiny alleyway. Seeing what he was doing, the driver of the SUV followed Sidekick's turn and followed them into the alley.

Zita's hands danced under the seat as she struggled to find the tire iron but instead her hands closed around a plastic handle. She pulled it from under the seat and gasped as she pulled an orange plastic gun from beneath her seat.

"Sidekick, why do you have a gun in here?" she asked hesitantly.

Sidekick swerved through a family of garbage cans, "First, it's a flare gun," another near miss of a garbage can, "Second, why not have a flare gun in the car?"

Zita was about to answer but decided against it as she resumed her search for the tire iron.

Zipping through the alley, Sidekick swerved around dumpsters that overflowed with garbage even as he slammed into smaller garbage cans that exploded as his bumper threw them into the air and over his car. On more than one occasion he heard a cat use up one of its nine lives as he continued their chase across Middleton.

He took his eyes off the alley for just a second as he saw Zita pull a tire iron from under her seat.

_Click_

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" he shouted as another garbage bin went flying.

Zita shrugged out of her seat belt and leaned out of the broken window, "I'm taking care of our problem because you're sure doing a bang up job."

Sidekick was about to answer but stopped as a cat announced they went from life number six to life number seven.

"How many cats are there in this alley?!" Sidekick asked rhetorically.

"Now just hold steady," Zita ordered as she leaned out the car window and prepared to throw the tire iron.

"Steady," she murmured as she prepared to throw the tire iron.

Suddenly a hand grabbed the back of her dress and pulled her back into the car mere moments before Sidekick's car slid past a dumpster and scraped Zita's side of the car.

She gave him a head nod and whirled around at the sound of a tremendous crash as the Russian's SUV slammed head on into the dumpster and stopped as the front of the vehicle crumpled in an explosion of glass and metal.

Zita turned back in her seat with a smile as they jetted from the alley and back onto a proper street, "Well that wasn't so-"

**SLAM**

The second SUV slammed into the side of their car, causing the car to spin out on the slick roads.

By some miracle, Sidekick was able to correct the car and spun the car so they were facing the right way before mashing his foot on the accelerator.

With tires squealing in protest, Sidekick and Zita zipped down the streets, dodging oncoming traffic in the night.

Zita looked behind them and saw the SUV gaining speed, "Sidekick," she called out nervously.

"I see them," the Author said as he kept his foot firmly planted on the pedal.

**Bam**

The car jerked forward as the Russians rammed Sidekick's car from behind.

"Do you still have the tire iron?" Sidekick called out as he shifted gears and darted into another lane.

Zita held up the metal cross and nodded, "Si."

Sidekick looked at her, the streetlights from the car reflecting in the mirror and illuminating his face, "Don't miss."

Zita unfastened her seat belt again and shimmied out of the car so she was sitting on the edge of the door, hanging out over the street as they zipped through the night traffic.

Water from the asphalt flecked up and splashed against Zita's dress as she sighted in on the rapidly approaching SUV.

"Z?" Sidekick called out from the car's interior as he struggled to keep the car straight. He checked in his mirror and saw the Russians grab something long and cylindrical from their back seat.

"Hang on," Zita murmured as she waited for the car to approach.

"Zita?" came the call again, this time with a nervous edge in his voice as the long cylinder turned out to be a rocket propelled grenade.

"Wait..." Zita whispered as she pulled her arm back to throw the tire iron.

Sidekick looked in his mirror as the SUV's lights filled his mirror.

"ZITA!" he shouted in desperation as the passenger leaned out and aimed the RPG at their fleeing car.

With a cry, Zita threw the tire iron directly at the driver of the black SUV and grinned as the metal cross passed through the windshield and slammed into the steering wheel, instantly jerking the wheel sharply to the left.

The driver was unable to gain control of the vehicle as it suddenly turned and with a loud cry from the occupants the SUV rolled onto its side. Unfortunately for the vehicle, the force was too much and their vehicle began rolling down the street in pursuit of Sidekick's car.

Zita watched the spinning black SUV in amazement that rapidly turned to fear as she realized the SUV was going to crash into them.

She frantically ducked back into the Mazda as the SUV rolled behind them before launching off the street and spinning over their car in a beautiful dance of twisted metal and glass.

Time slowed to a fraction of its speed as Zita and Sidekick watched the car spinning overhead and for a moment, their eyes locked with the Russian's inside the SUV. But just as quickly, the moment passed and the SUV crashed to the ground directly in front of them, missing their front bumper by mere centimeters.

The car continued rolling before finally coming to a stop in the middle of the street several feet beyond Sidekick and Zita.

With the SUV finally stopped, Zita and Sidekick leaned back in their chairs and let out a collective sigh of relief, "We were..." Sidekick began but began to chuckle, "We were almost in that."

Zita smiled and , "I'm taking the bus to the Fannies next year."

Sidekick opened his mouth in protest-

**CRASH**

Another SUV barreled straight into the side of Sidekick's car, 'T-boning' the blue car and pushing them down the street sideways. The SUV's engine screamed in protest the entire way as the tires struggled to find traction on the slick road. Upon impact, the force of the hit shattered the Russian's windshield and the glass collapsed inwards on the occupants.

Zita shook her head to clear the cobwebs and stared in shock as Sergei sat in the front seat with the Mountain and Janitor Joe in the back seat. Seeing Zita, the lanky Russian smiled and saluted her even as he pushed what remained of the windshield aside with minimal effort.

"Sidekick?" she shouted as their car was pushed roughly down the road, "Any ideas?"

"She felt something being shoved into her hands and at once she recognized the feel of the orange flare gun, "It's all loaded," Sidekick explained as he tried to start his car that had now gone silent.

She shook her head, "But I only know how to shoot in video games."

"Just like in video games, just minus a heads up display," Sidekick shouted as he shifted and attempted to steer away but to no avail.

Zita nodded as she leaned out the window and pulled the trigger just as the Mazda lurched to the side.

**WOOSH**

The flare missed the SUV by a wide margin.

"Sorry," Sidekick called out, "That one's on me."

The sky above them burst forth in glorious illumination as the flare exploded and lit up the entire city block.

Shooting a glare back at the Sidekick, Zita reloaded the flare gun and pointed it at the SUV, "Das Vadanya," she muttered as she pulled the trigger.

**WOOSH**

This time the flare flew straight through the broken windshield and slammed into the seat cushion just above Sergei's shoulder. The flare bounced off the cloth fabric and fell into his lap where he had a moment of recognition on what the glowing object was.

"О дерьмо," he muttered just as the flare in his lap burst open.

The interior of the SUV exploded in a dazzling cacophony of light and smoke as the flare burst open and blinded everyone in the car. Everyone except Joe who had his eyes shut at the moment of the blast and after the burst of light dove from his position in the back seat and took control of the steering wheel and spun the wheel hard to the right.

The SUV spun around and rose onto two wheels but eventually came to a stop facing the opposite direction as Joe watched Sidekick's car screech to a stop. The two drivers saw each other and a head nod of acknowledgement passed between them before Sidekick shifted to a different gear and drove away.

* * *

Outside the theater where the Fannies were taking place a lone blue Mazda RX8 pulled up and slowed to a stop. The engine coughed twice as it breathed its last and it sputtered silently before eventually dying completely.

In the car, Sidekick patted the dashboard affectionately, "Thank you girl," he murmured before he opened his door and walked to Zita's side of the car where the door was caved in completely. He pulled at the door handle but to his chagrin the entire door came off and tumbled to the ground with a crash. Zita stepped over the door and took Sidekick's outstretched arm.

"See?" he commented as they walked towards the front of the theater, "We got here and in one piece I might add."

Zita smiled as she looked behind her at the car, "Are you going to do anything about your car?"

Sidekick laughed and pulled his keys from his pocket he turned back to the car, "Of course."

_BEEP BEEP_

His car beeped as the car alarm set. At that precise moment, all four wheels fell to the side, the car collapsed to the ground as the other door fell to the ground. And then for no apparent reason the car exploded in a massive fireball.

Zita looked from the flaming wreck to Sidekick and patted him affectionately on the shoulder, "Maybe we should take the bus next year."

He nodded and turned from the flaming wreck of his car, "Maybe."

Zita took Sidekick's in hers and leaned into his shoulder, "Still think the Fannies have lost their luster?"

Sidekick took a deep breath as the doors to the auditorium opened, "She hasn't lost a step."

* * *

Slipgate was storming around backstage as he plotted all the ways he was going to kill The Real Sidekick. Zita he'd leave alive but Sidekick was going to die in a way that would probably involve horses and a short amount of rope.

To his wonder he heard the sound of clapping and cheering and he rushed to the curtain and peered out in wonder at the audience that was now clapping as The Real Sidekick and Zita walked elegantly through the crowd. True, they were cut up and bloodied and their clothes had enough tears and slashes through them that it was a wonder they were staying on at all, but you wouldn't know it from their walk.

From the looks of it, it appeared that this was just a normal day to them and Slipgate's jaw dropped in amazement as they took the stage and Zita pulled an envelope from her mangled purse.

She tore it open and cleared her throat before speaking, "Sorry we're late. We ran into a little traffic," she took a deep breath, "The nominations for this year's Best Action Adventure story are…"

_**{First nomination here.}**_

The Real Sidekick dabbed at a cut on his cheek and took over from Zita, "Um, we probably should have done this first, but my car is on fire so if anyone with any sort of fire fighting training is out there…"

He trailed off as he saw a team of GJ agents rush outside, "Thanks guys," he called out before the next nomination appeared behind him.

_**{Insert 2**__**nd**__** Nomination.}**_

Outside the theatre, Will Du and the rest of the GJ agents had just finished putting out the fire just as a black SUV missing a windshield pulled up and out stepped several Russians and a haggard, handcuffed Canadian.

Will walked up to the Russians, "I'm sorry sirs but this area is closed…" he trailed off as the Mountain of a man walked up and picked Will up by his uniform.

"Ve 'ave unfinished business vith Ze Real Sidekick and Zita Flores," his partner, a tall lanky Russian that appeared to be smoking all over explained.

Will nodded and pointed to the doors behind him, "Through those doors, down the hall, right at the popcorn machine, left at the bar and straight into the main auditorium. You can't miss them."

_**{Insert 3**__**rd**__** Nomination}**_

Sidekick looked up as the sound of the GJ team that was fixing his car returned. He peered into the darkened room and started as he saw Sergei and his Russians filling up the back of the room.

Not seeing the new additions, Zita continued, "And the final nominee is…"

**_{Insert 4th nomination.}_**

Zita looked at the bottom of the envelope and smiled, "Sidekick do you want to announce who it is?"

The Real Sidekick who had gone pale in horror shook his head and Zita shrugged, "The winner is…"

_**{Insert Speech}**_

The crowd applauded as they took their seat and Whitem took back his stage, "Well," he took a deep breath as Sidekick and Zita tried to sneak off stage, "We're going to take-"

"NO COMRADES!" a voice shouted from the back, "VE ARE GOING TO SETTLE ZIS HERE AND NOW!"

Everyone turned in their chairs as Sergei and what remained of his Russian squad stormed past everyone and took the stage.

Or at least he would have had Kim Possible not jumped in his way in a combat stance with Ron Stoppable behind her with a light blue glow surrounding his body.

"Really?" Kim asked angrily, "I can't go one night without villains-"

"Ve are here for The Real Sidekick and Zita Flores," Sergei interrupted and pointed at the presenters who had nearly made it to the safety of the backstage but who froze at the mention of their names.

Kim looked taken aback for a moment before turning to the now frozen presentation team that was suddenly illuminated in the bright lights of a spotlight, "Sidekick? What did you do?"

He held up his hands in surrender as he shouted angrily, "What? Me? Why is it always my fault?"

Kim raised a single eyebrow in response, "You had me jump universes and then destroyed the world."

"You had me kill Felix and then try to kill Josh," Ron interjected.

"You had Will shoot me and then try to take over the Will," Betty Director added as the entire room erupted into a loud cacophony of noise and shouting.

"All right, true I did that," Sidekick agreed as the crowd quieted back down, "And I did get arrested the last time we presented but I have no earthly idea why this Russian is after me or Zita," Sidekick said as he and Zita walked towards Kim and Sergei.

"That's because I hired them," a feminine voice answered.

All eyes turned to Betty Director as she slinked through the tables and past the attendees towards the Russians, "I hired them to make sure you showed up on time. After last year we couldn't afford another mishap and I decided to hire some of my friends in the KGB to make sure you showed up on time."

Zita pointed to Janitor Joe who was handcuffed behind the Russians, "What about Joe? What was he doing there?"

Joe shrugged, "I temp sometimes as a Janitor," he saw the looks and added, "The economy's been tough I need to make ends meet. A spy doesn't make nearly as much as you'd think."

Whitem sighed as he shook his head, "Can you three settle this outside? We have another award to give."

Betty nodded and led the group outside as Sidekick suddenly stopped, "Wait, so because of you my car is a flaming wreck?"

"You've killed me in most of your stories or had me be the villain," Betty pushed him out the door, "I'd say we're even."

Slipgate turned to the audience, "While they sort that out let's take a quick break and we'll be back with our next presenter."

* * *

**Disclaimer: I own no one in this story and no offense is meant by my portrayal of any Kimmunity members. **

**Author's Notes: **When I saw the Fannies were being done this year, I sat down and immediately wrote a presentation chapter to introduce the Action/Adventure award for the Fannies. I didn't even know if outside authors were going to be allowed to submit our own presentation, I just sat down and wrote as soon as I heard the news that there would be a new Fannies Award show. That being said, when I found out there would be no personal presentation chapters, I was crushed because I had this chapter ready to go from day one. Not knowing who was up for an award I had to leave those sections blank, hence the **_Insert first_ _nomination_,** notes.

I consider this to be the final part of "The Real Sidekick and Zita Fannie Presentation," trilogy. Hopefully I left the action adventure section with a Bang and be sure to check out the 2013 Fannies, they're going great.

Whitem, Slipgate, Neo, KittyPuppy, kgs-wy and Pojko: Thank you for all you did with the Fannies and I hope you know I meant nothing against you in this story and I hope you enjoyed my noncanon addition to the Fannies.

As usual, if you have any thoughts, comments, concerns feel free to message me.

Until next time,

TRS


End file.
